Alligator Juice

Demolition a promise of a remodel

A word that has encouraged me so powerfully I am clinging to it, is the concept of demolition and remodeling (from Dr. Jim Reeves every Saturday mornings on channel 9).  Our life has been in the demolition phase all last school year.  A wrecking ball of devastation everywhere.  Like I mentioned in posts past I wanted to jump ship.  When I saw our bank account dwindle and dwindle with seemingly no help or hope anywhere I couldn't eat for 3 days.  God did come through at the last minute, why does He do that anyway?!?  I know I know, so we learn to trust or something.  Anyway, God has dealt with my rebellion graciously and at times severely, but I'm in a good place now.  With hope of a beautiful remodel on the horizon. 

In the midst of a bleak and terrifying moment, the Lord directed my gaze down on the floor of my bedroom.  I saw a doll with a blanket neatly folded over it.  I "heard" God whisper to my spirit, Tage put the doll to bed.  You see, that was a part of the "test" he failed to determine whether or not he is autistic or developmentally delayed, etc.  A sign of life emerging from what was overshadowed by heartache.  A sign of hope.

"If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed."  Proverbs 29:18 The Message

"We thank you, Lord, that when we are submitted to you, you will do wonderful things for us." prayer from childrenofdestiny.org

When I Learned God is Enough

I had a really hard summer of 2006. I had a freak encounter at the ER. I arrived with a painful headache that I had all day/night...my symptoms were in line with meningitis so I was given a spinal tap, which I initially refused but the doctor intimidated me by getting in my face and saying "I guess you just want to be brain dead or die then!" I didn't have meningitis, I don't really know what the cause of the headache was in the first place, all I know is that I left the ER in excruciating pain (from an adverse reaction to the spinal tap). I couldn't move, my husband had to take a week off from work to take care of our kids while I was closed off in my room, suffering. I pleaded with God to miracuously heal me. The pain was so intense, I was living off vicadin and crackers and I was beginning to hallucinate from the vicadin. It was a total battle ground in my mind to not slip off into total despair. Any calls that came in or cards mailed to our home or emails sent lifted my spirits out of the shadows of despair. What I learned through this painful ordeal: community is so important to have even though relationships can be difficult at times, even the smallest gesture of concern from a friend means the world to the person who is suffering, sweating the small stuff in life robs you of quality time & energy that could be spent on your family. Despite these great lessons in life learned the hard way, I still struggle with the "why me?" syndrome. Why did I suffer so seemingly unnecessarily. I cannot help but remember that God did not miraculously heal me like I begged Him to do. But He did impress on me in an inexplicable yet undeniable manner a profound truth. If you take away everything: family, friends, possessions, and health. Stripped bare, naked, in pain and completely vulnerable...God is all you need...and He is Enough.  (Picture taken at my son's first birthday shortly after the incident).