Alligator Juice

FunNy

Finding Nemo is deeply connected to my journey with Tage. Tage stayed home with the stomach flu today and I put that movie on for him. Way back when, I "felt" Jesus sit on the couch with me, arm around my shoulder, pointing out the symbolisms as it relates to me & Tage throughout that movie.
I blogged about it before. Here's new insights: the aquarium Nemo was trapped in is like Tage's brain, it traps him because of the neurological disconnect. Marlin persevered desperate measures to find Nemo. Dory was the friend he needed because she never questioned or doubted their journey. She cheered him on the whole way & was adopted into their little family in the end. She needed them too.
Our pastor gave the analogy of taking on someone's case like on those cops/lawyer shows. There's usually boxes of evidence etc to pour through, that's how it should be when we pray for each other. We take on each others case.
Jesus will heal your broken emotions even if he doesn't heal Tage is the latest. Even my pastor who I deeply admire said the same. I know that's true. But here's my scripted response for the next time: this journey has been very painful. This isn't a theological issue or understanding about healing for me. This is about my son, & it's very personal. I'll leave the how/when etc regarding Tage's brain being healed up to Jesus. And the work He's doing in my heart between us as well.....anyway that's a rough draft maybe I'll polish it up a bit. By the way-Tage's brain is disconnected from birth trauma & neurological pathways can be rerouted & reconnected with the right therapies. So there.
Marlin reunited with Nemo after a long, hard, & painful journey that took a huge leap of faith. He was stuck in the whales mouth until he let go & trusted. He's called to let go even after being reunited. Okay now he's back in your arms, ready-let go (explore the drop off). Marlin's comedic timing developed & he told his joke successfully by the end too.
God has called me to stand up comedy & someone with really poor judgement keeps booking me gigs. Talk about a leap of faith. My natural personality has the marred after effects of bullying I endured when I was younger. Speaking up, not my usual. But God is calling me anyway. I will have had 4 performances in December. We'll see what the future brings but it's funny-as I continue to leap out in this drastic form of obedience, my faith is now so much more secure. I'm doing a lot of re routing myself. Merry Christmas & happy new year. I'll be re routing until we read again.

FeAr

I can't go in elevators. I'll attempt carrying my baby in one arm, yanking a stroller up 2 flights of stairs with the other, while encouraging Tage to keep up versus taking an elevator. Thankfully a Good Samaritan helped me.

Tage was taken from me. It was a slow goodbye. He sunk in deeper & deeper and I had to watch in quiet grief. I cried, I anguished, I cursed, I pleaded. God promised. He keeps promising even when I see no end. Little progress. Lazy school professionals.

There's many days where I can't find any tears. Just numb. Elevator panic is just residual pain. Trauma. People don't understand the "he was taken away comment." They need it neater. More explainable. I see it for what it truly is. It's a grief that can swallow me whole. Like the elevator. 4 walls closing in, oxygen leaves my lungs, no escape. I cut the grief off too short maybe that's why elevators now haunt me? Or my difficulty learning to trust.

I want to obey. That's all I can do. Maybe try to trust a little more too.

Demolition a promise of a remodel

A word that has encouraged me so powerfully I am clinging to it, is the concept of demolition and remodeling (from Dr. Jim Reeves every Saturday mornings on channel 9).  Our life has been in the demolition phase all last school year.  A wrecking ball of devastation everywhere.  Like I mentioned in posts past I wanted to jump ship.  When I saw our bank account dwindle and dwindle with seemingly no help or hope anywhere I couldn't eat for 3 days.  God did come through at the last minute, why does He do that anyway?!?  I know I know, so we learn to trust or something.  Anyway, God has dealt with my rebellion graciously and at times severely, but I'm in a good place now.  With hope of a beautiful remodel on the horizon. 

In the midst of a bleak and terrifying moment, the Lord directed my gaze down on the floor of my bedroom.  I saw a doll with a blanket neatly folded over it.  I "heard" God whisper to my spirit, Tage put the doll to bed.  You see, that was a part of the "test" he failed to determine whether or not he is autistic or developmentally delayed, etc.  A sign of life emerging from what was overshadowed by heartache.  A sign of hope.

"If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed."  Proverbs 29:18 The Message

"We thank you, Lord, that when we are submitted to you, you will do wonderful things for us." prayer from childrenofdestiny.org