I've gone back and re-read my previous posts, and I'm proud of my new found poetic descriptions, but today I'm more nuts and bolts. I don't have any yellow roses plucked from my heart and adorned in my hair that I know of. Summer is here, and I often feel like I am drowning. Driving Tage to so many appointments, all holistic methods and sometimes I feel like we're just punching air. I cry frequently. I am thankful for the times I'm wearing sunglasses so I can grieve in private while in public. I used to put on waterproof mascara to avoid looking like I washed my face in an ash tray. Now I just don't bother with makeup at all. I long for someone to physically come with me, my friends have kids of their own, and the people I do call and ask for help, it's like calling a dentist and scheduling an appointment-that's how limited and strained schedules are. My other kids are handfuls in their own way, all I want is to give them all I have to give but I often don't feel like what I have to give is enough. And it isn't. Now here we insert all the Christin cliches, like Christ gives you strength where you are weak, Christ is with you on all these appointments, Christ will give to your kids what you can't. Don't get me wrong, I believe this, but I'm tired, beyond depleted, I have been for the past 4 years I've been on this nightmarish journey. Cliches are no longer enough for me. Emotional feel good slogans are no longer enough for me, I want specific how to's. I want to know there will be a reward at the end of this trial, there will be deliverance, and healing. Oh well, in heaven all things will be perfect, I KNOW THAT. But right now my buns are singed from sitting in hell. Jesus taught us to pray Your kingdom come, your will be done ON EARTH as it is in heaven. I won't settle. Even though I feel like sometimes I may go crazy trying.
I have a hard time explaining what parenting Tage is like. I saw him slip farther and farther away from me from the sweet smiling two year old to now. He runs around crashing into things, unable to settle down or stay still. He complains of his head hurting sometimes. He can say words but has never been able to freely communicate what's on his mind. He doesn't play with friends because he doesn't know how. With speech robbed of him, he feels insecure. He melts down and tantrums loudly and often. He can only tolerate certain food textures. There were times I was so desperate to get him to eat I'd stand up and stuff food in his mouth. He goes through regressions,usually marked by him peeing his pants. He's so hyperactive I really haven't been able to track his progress. His sensory system is so out of whack he will lick or put his mouth on metal surfaces. His brain will be triggered to "fight or flight" easily, his eyes will dilate and start running around with his brain in an "aroused" state. I could go on, I suppose. But I'll stop here.
My heart breaks everyday and often I feel like hiding. I have and am praying, pleading, bargaining, obeying, reciting scripture, memorizing scripture, studying scripture. I am still waiting.
I just read Kisses From Katie about a young woman who packed her bags, said goodbye to her boyfriend she wanted to marry, her luxurious home and sweet, loving family. She now lives in Uganda, adopted 14 orphaned girls, raised enough funds to send all the kids in her village to school, taught women in a neighboring impoverished village to make necklaces so they can sustain their families by other means besides prostitution, begging, and scrounging through trash heaps. And that is just some of the things she has done. She's one person who travels through the villages pouring out love on children who need it, and there's a lot of starving, abandoned, filthy, sick children there. If she wanted to minister in a similar way in the states she'd have to call and make an appointment.
Now I am in the trenches and very sad very often, what a perfect moment to remind myself of a facebook status update I've posted many times past, I am a prisoner of hope and my faith is audacious.
"Mothers, they never stop believing in the miracle of metamorphosis. Because believing in the miracle of metamorphosis is the sum total of a mother’s job. The theological term for that is faith." Ann Voskamp
Your honesty and vulnerability is beautiful and refreshing sweet Colleen. Hold on in these moments of sadness, stay faithful to hope, even if at moments you are holding on just by a thread. Hugs and love to you.
Posted by: Timberlie | June 07, 2012 at 11:19 AM