Alligator Juice

Dead Ends

The roller coaster stopped and I had no choice but to get out, the ride ended. All of out efforts, old ones and new ones, dead ended. I exited the roller coaster with hands raised in surrender. What I thought was soon to be deliverance, to be celebrated at Tage's 6th birthday was not to be. But at his 6th party, maybe an even more important event took place, I gave my battle cry. It is one of faith.

I took my kids to their first day of school and wound up confused and frustrated, do I wait with the other parents as the flashes on the cameras go off, as their children are called up one by one to join their teacher and go to the classroom. What about me? Do I follow the same protocol if my child is in special education? I asked a couple of times before school started. Today I had to flag the principal down twice, I wasn't given right information. I walked with the other parents out of the cafeteria, but broke off and entered a different building. The walk was isolated and lonely. I don't think the school even knew what to do with the "special" kids.

Make no mistake these are not words of complaint nor defeat. God is up to something. My circumstances are still hard and dreary, because I am still in the fog of darkness, residing in a locked prison. But my prison is one of hope, I know this is God's doing, so His glory may be revealed on earth as it is in heaven through my family.

I AM a prisoner of hope. I don't always know what hope means. I've clearly learned our deliverance is in God's timing and in His way. All I can do is roll the confusion onto the promise in Malachi 4:2. I still see yellow cars/cabs as a sign of His Sun rising with healing in it's wings in Malachi and His light breaking through like the morning in Isaiah 58:8. Another verse divinely shown to me is in Job 33, God doesn't want me (or anyone) to be pit dwellers. His trials and tribulations, disappointments and heartaches, for me at least, are His way to refine and transform. I cannot deny it is working.

"We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. Let Your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in You alone." Psalm 33:20-22

"Yes God does all these things to a person-twice, even three times-to turn them back from the pit, that the light of life may shine on them." Job 33:29-30

"Genuine faith also looks up and sails, by using God's great Son. It never travels by seeing the shoreline. earthly lighthouses, or paths along the way. And the steps of faith often lead to total uncertainty or even darkness and disaster, but the Lord will open the way and often makes the darkest of midnight hours as bright as the dawning of the day." from Fays of Heaven upon Earth taken from Streams in the Dessert

Yellow Cabs

It's been a while since I've written, the roller coaster ride of this journey is full of ups and downs.  Tage refused to ingest the Agape supplement for several weeks.  I grew frantic, putting some in his food, he started refusing his food.  I thought once the Agape arrived it would be smooth sailing towards recovery.  It has been anything but, and I've been weary. 

My BSF (bible study fellowship) leader prayed the Holy Spirit would impress upon Tage the importance of ingesting the Agape (I can't blame him for refusing it, it tastes awful), that he'd be encouraged to take it knowing it would help him.  Almost over night there was a miraculous turn around and Tage now takes it with a smile.  Every time, he smiles when he swallows it.  A true miracle.

But I haven't seen progress.  One day in particular, I was serving at Kid's Church, and the weight of the world was obviously on my shoulders.  It is hard for me to to make friendly small talk when I get in that place.  A woman I don't know well, but like, sensed my discouragement and said it takes time for it to work.  That helped lift my spirits a bit.  There was no teaching leader available that day so the kids all sat down for a Veggie Tale movie.  I know the timing was perfect.  In one of my earlier posts I wrote about a battle cry of praise coming forth from my mouth to bring the walls of Jericho down.  The "walls" of Tage's injured brain, the misalignment of the neurological pathways leave us helpless in our circumstance, but bold with our God. The Veggie Tale movie was about Jericho, seeing the vegetables march around 7 times then scream, it was humurous, but also profound knowing God was reaching me through that cartoon.

Recently, the Lord sent us to a Child Psychiatrist referred by the specialist who is providing a "cast."  A broken arm gets a cast so the bones can heal, the meds prescribed  by the doctor will serve as a "cast" in a sense to allow for Tage's brain to stop short circuiting and for inner healing to take place over time.  I know we are on the right track, evidenced by the intense amount of spiritual warfare I have been under.  I thought since the appointment was yesterday I'd get some relief but I was wrong.  I awoke unusually early today and now I know Jesus wanted me on my knees before I got on with the day.  I didn't, and it hurt!

Despite the warfare, God's presence was so close during our drive to the psychiatrist.  I kept noticing yellow cars ahead of us, and when I started to get worked up (there were several things going on that day, essentially boulders being thrown in our path so to speak) my attention would be brought (this happened twice) to a yellow (yellow has become symbolic of the Sun rising with healing in its wings) cab next to us with the words Yellow cab. It brought my mind to the verse "Your light shall spring forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." (Isaiah 58:8)  Those yellow cabs, to me, were God's presence (light) paving the way, letting me know He is with us.

The doctors office was decorated with all things yellow, ducks, flowers, butterflies...my attention was brought specifically to a row of yellow flowers with a purple butterfly (my favorite color) on top, symbolizing mine and Tage's metamorphosis.  I am not the same person, for that I am thankful. 

Tage has started a low dose of meds.  I continue to be a prisoner of hope with audacious faith. When we arrived at the doctors office and parked the car, I looked back and Tage was looking straight at me with a distinct smile I've never before seen.  That night when we put him to bed, he was holding a toy car in his hand, he unclenched his fist and I noticed it was a yellow cab!

"As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit.  Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." (Zechariah 9:11-12)

 

 

Agape

The Greek word agape is often translated "love" in the New Testament. How is "agape love" different from other types of love? The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice.  Agape is love which is of and from God, whose very nature is love itself. The Apostle John affirms this in 1John 4:8.  His love was demonstrated in its fullness on the cross when he died for our sins, Romans 5:8.  We cannot earn His love, Ephesians 2:8-9.  He lavishes His love on us, 1 John 3:1.  Jesus depicted what this love looks like in a practical sense in the parable of the Good Samaritan, Luke 10:25-37.  He commands us to love one another accordingly, John 13:34.I don't think He was kidding.

(www.gotquestions.org)

I've been anxious to get my hands on what I believe to be life giving supplements for Tage.  Believing God to provide the remedy to heal and restore Tage's brain to function properly.  I don't believe Tage has autism.  Not because I don't want to believe that, nor am I in denial.  I am called.  Called to faithful perseverance, to fight the good fight, and hold on to His promises for dear life.  

The time is almost here.  Like I mentioned, I was anxious.  The specialist can be very hard to get a hold of, he has a major surgery planned, and he is closing his practice.  I grew discouraged, but God taught me, through Streams in the Desert of course, not to "light my own way."  And to run from discouragement as I would a snake.  His timing is perfect.

I've mentioned many times the verse I am claiming for Tage in Malachi 4:2 "But for you who revere my name the Sun of righteousness will rise with healing in it's wings; and you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall."  I like this translation even better; "But for you who obey me, my saving power will rise on you like the sun and bring healing like the sun's rays.  You will be as free and happy as calves let out of a stall."

"Thank the Lord that because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross and because of the wounds He suffered for us, He has made His healing power available to us." Prayer from childrenofdestiny.org.

I heeded the Lord's warning, and was then invited to attend the specialist's going away party at the office.  My heart soared, I knew I would be in the very least given the information I needed about the supplements.  When I walked in, adorned in my one and only yellow dress, and a bouquet of yellow flowers smiled at me from the counter.   In the clinic area, a nice friendly woman (another Mom) greeted me.  We told each other our names, she then said and that's my son, his name is Malachi.  I almost cried, instead I burst out, I LOVE that name!   Now get this, the name of the supplement (I recently placed an order for) that took the doctor 15 years of research to develop is Agape.  Now isn't that just perfect.  I've been concerned that God be given the glory for Tage's healing, not the supplements.  It would be hard not to give God the glory with a name like Agape!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Movies speak to me.  Honestly, it's a spiritual experience.  Finding Nemo, Pinnochio (already mentioned dozens of times).  My heart has been plucked out of my chest, attention grabbed and deep truths have ministered to my soul (really!) from certain films such as Tangled, and a classic I saw several times as a child but just watched again with my daughter, Annie.   

Zipping across the lake on a sea doo was a serious thrill.  I loved it.  I was hooting and hollering, couldn't go fast enough.  It was exhilarating and freeing.  But it wasn't  mine, and I had my friend's older brother on the back, I could only let myself enjoy it for a moment and I didn't dare abuse my time allotted.

Wrestling with my neighbor friend in my parents room, I had the full freedom of being rough and tumble playful and silly with her.  She was right there with me, in the moment.  I laughed in hysterics, so did she.  I said something nonsensical, so did she.  "I'm gonna drink alligator juice"!  I froze.  And the moment was lost.  I didn't know what to say.  If I could go back in time, we'd promptly set forth making alligator juice together, non stop sillies galore. 

Tangled, not just by her hair.  Her "Mom" not her Mom but her captor.  How could she know?  She was a brilliant manipulator, tangled her in her lies.  Until the symbol of the sun finally reminded her she is a princess, not meant for captivity but for freedom and love. Let the lies you've believed die to dust as did the wicked woman from Rapunzel. 

Annie could have believed she was only an orphan and only worth an "orphan" life when she visited Mr. Warbucks' mansion.  Yet if she was passive and timid, only clinging to the servant's broomstick, she wouldn't have relished the warm bath, new frilly girly clothes, decadent food, and mostly the pure delight and loving affection of her adoptive father. 

Bummer on earth we're always going to have to have the heavenly with the fleshly.  But I want to live in such a state of knowing the sun will come out...even though "yesterday was plain awful" being adopted into God's kingdom He provides the sun and His Son, so "I don't need sunshine now to turn my skies blue, I don't need anything but You." 

 

 

 

 

 

Plunder Toting Turtle on a Fence

I'm a turtle on a fence.  Soft green vulnerable flesh inside a hard, rock like shell.  Danger is near retreat!  I am safe in here, but it is dark.  I am peeking at you from the bottom corner of my shell.  But you don't see me.  I whisper and you look my way, seem perplexed but just for a nano-second and you go back to your regular business. I make a bolder move, my peeping game of hide and seek is not working.  Alas, I try too hard and I am on my back, legs and arms flailing.  I feel stupid.  More than stupid.  Worse.  I feel shame.

I am a shark now roaming the oceans.  Fierce stealthy eyes darting back and forth.  You cannot frighten me anymore.  I am a giant exploding with rage.  One false move or hurtful thoughtless remark and I will devour you. But I don't.  I never really would except maybe those closest to me including myself. 

I remember Dave.  "A Child Called It," Dave.  He was just trying to fit in but didn't know how to, would say strange, inappropriate things and get beat up.  He tried imitating his foster sisters, they seem to know how to socialize.  Got beat up for being a "queer."  Studies Clint Eastwood and mimicked his growl, rumbly voice.."you feeling lucky, punk?" Got beat up again for being weird.  I wonder what the bullies think now?  Do they know he was trying to survive?  Do they know his was the 3rd worst case of child abuse in the nation at the time?  Do they feel remorse, or do they bury their nose in their business and disregard any and all deep introspection.

Dave seems to do well.  Written several books, a spokes person for foster care, he is inspiring.  He did it with the help of Jesus.  He is a turtle on a fence, he didn't get where he is now by himself.

As for me the shark and turtle have reconciled and made peace with wisdom as the mediator.  Grace leads the way.  Traveling with sorrow and agony make the trip seem like a nightmare at times, but hope lights the path ahead.  The treasures of darkness adorn me.  I am a turtle on a fence with a bag of full of plunder.  Stop by and say hi when you see me.

 

 

 

Mighty to Save

"It's going to be okay".  Tage repeats lines from movies/lines from songs at times I know God is "speaking" through a boy who can't yet speak. We've had Finding Nemo to communicate God's powerful truths, and now there's the classic movie Pinnochio.  Pinnochio just wanted to be a real boy.  Tage is being denied "real boy" life right now, but it's all there, underneath everything.

"Prove yourself brave, truthful, and unselfish, and someday, you will be a real boy." The Blue Fairy

My dear friend noticed disturbing behaviors and a blank look overcoming her 6 year old son which caused great concern.  After a lot of prayer and counsel she pulled him out of school.  Her declaration after a heartbreaking display of defiance was, "my boy is back."

I will say that someday.  I do however have a new normal with my son.  My new normal is not being able to connect with him on a deeper level.  I am being denied knowing what he thinks, how he feels.  I know he likes pancakes, and cheeseburger with french fries.  But what scares him?  Does he like ....(ok I just have to digress, I just glanced at the TV and there was another motorcycle with a Victory logo on the side of it, remember my last post?  Wow thank you Lord).  It is deperessing to lament, so I just move forward.  I am starting Tage on a new supplement regimine.  3 new supplements to be exact.  I am currently giving and only in posession of 1 out of 3.  Detox.  3 drops in the morning, along with all the others I mix in his pancakes.  I buy 2 boxes at a time I go through them so fast.  I like the multi grain mix from Trader Joes. 

I was on my knees at 2 different prayer groups praying for Tage.  One of the women said a song was coming to her mind as she thought about Tage.  Mighty to Save.

At the other prayer group, again on our knees, my friend said, a song is coming to my mind...( I was tempted to freak her out and start singing the song mighty to save, I just knew it was probably the same song).  Yep, Mighty to Save.

 

aSK SeEk KNocK

I am a prisoner of hope and my faith is audacious.  I posted this as a facebook status a while back and now I need to remind myself.

Tage's test on his inner ear, the ABR test came back normal.  I was hugely dissapointed.

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for.  Keep on seeking, and you will find.  Keep on knocking , and the door will be opened to you.  Matthew 7:7

Among my litany of evidences of God's presence and promises is the word victory.  My ears perk up every time I hear it.  It was the word Christ brought to my attention as I drove home from the specialist, pondering what he said in my heart, could he be right?  Who do I trust?  In front of me was a truck with the word victory with a cross for the t on the back. 

We pulled into the church parking lot today.  A little early, I killed a few minutes in the car, giving the kids gum to occupy them.  There was a lot of fussing over the guy parked next to us, a guy and his motorcycle.  He was letting children sit on it.  A sticker on the side of the shiny maroon bike, Victory, hmm.  The word didn't pull the same strings of hope it once did.

One of the Kid's Church coordinators asked me how Tage's test went, I filled him in.  He looked at me intently and said listen to the sermon today, "you'll know what you need to do." Here's a recap of pastor Aron Gibson's message.

Ask, come as a humble beggar.  Seek, look and notice where God is already working.  Knock, come boldly, honestly, and shamelessly to the One who has what you need, in confidence knowing He is merciful and a giver of good gifts.  (as I am typing my daughter just said "look she's praying mama" pointing to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs movie). 

Tage has been waking up in the middle of the night screaming from a nightmare.  I will use that a prompt to be on my knees in prayer for him all the more fervantly.  I don't know why Jesus heals some and not others.  What I do know is that He has called me to believe and have faith for Tage's victory.

 

 

Giraffe

I was so taken and inspired several years back when I heard a sermon preached about the giraffe.  A baby giraffe comes crashing down to the earth only to get kicked again and again before it's rickety legs gains strength and sturdiness needed to outrun its prey.  The lion.  Yep, giraffes are one of the fastest land animals and can outrun lions, some are even known to give a lion a beating with its powerful kicks to defend their young. The analogy is a vivid decription of us growing to spiritual maturity, and how often hardships (getting kicked) is what causes us to stand strong and live an abundant, victorious life Christ died for us to have.  Our enemy is real, the prince of this world, and battling is necessary to achieve the blessings.

I wasn't surprised to see a picture of a mother giraffe bending down to gently kiss her baby giraffe posted in the pediatric ENT's office wall when I took my son Tage requesting a test not normally done on children his age.  I knew he would have to be a special doctor, open minded and humble enough to listen to another specialist.  I recognized the symbolism immediately, and I knew God was with me.  It was nice to see a kiss and not a kick.  A Nemo clock was also on the wall, gotta have my Nemo as one of God's winks, of course. 

I was a baby giraffe and have surely endured a beating.  I am no longer face down in the dust waiting for it all to just go away, my legs are sturdier and I am learning to glide like a graceful gazelle (but lets stick with the giraffe imagery here) but for a few lingering strongholds...I'm working on it.  Thank God for Beth Moore, she's teaching a current lesson the anatomy of a victory, couldn't be better timing.

"For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith.  And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the son of God." 1 John 5:4

Thursday is our appointment at CHOC to have an ABR test on Tage's inner ear.  I am expectant and hopeful as I was when he was tested for Dysautonomia in October.  I know satan doesn't want Tage well.  I know to pray and cling to God's promises is to battle with satan.  I remember how much oppresion and discouragment we faced before the battle was won in that doctors office.  I mentioned in a previous blog how I sang praise songs quietly in the doctors office knowing the dark menacing hounds of hell would shriek away in agony at the sound of Jesus' mighty name.

Tage loves Charlie Brown.  He would ask to watch Charlie Brown movies constantly over Christmas vacation.  Hark the Herald became a regular song shouted at the top of his lungs (that song was sung by the characters in the movie with the little tree, you know the one?), not so cute first thing in the morning.  He even rocks his head back and forth immitating the cartoon.  So, 9:15 am Thursday, Hark the Herald will be the praise song of choice while Tage undergoes the procedure (he will be sedated).  It is my favorite carol because of the line "risen with healing in his wings..."a powerful promise I am clinging to for Tage, Malachi 4:2.

So far God has used ladybugs, the color yellow, suns (Malachi 4:2), Nemo, and the giraffe, signs of His presence, and faithfulness.   Of course we have the bible as our greatest resource of knowing God is at work in our lives.  How is God communicating to you, and how are you responding/receiving Him? 

Hail the Heaven-born Prince of Peace!
Hail the Sun of righteousness!
Light and life to all he brings,
Risen with healing in his wings.

Traditions

The smell of cat pee triggers my brain back to junior high and how my cat sprayed my book bag.  I still took it with me to school, and wasn't too popular that day.  I am aiming for a different kind of nostalgia for my family.  I've never cooked a Christmas meal, and I want to start cooking something every year that will fill the house with delicious smells, associating my kid's noses to thoughts of Christmas, home, and family.  Activities like reading books, and baking are things I've done with my kids.  When I hear about other traditions I get overwhelmed, I want special memories for my family too and when you aim for perfect it will never be good enough.  A friend had wise words for me, bringing me back to reality.  We are not here to entertain or put on a  show for our kids, its about being together as a family without outside pressures sapping our energy and joy.

My husband's parents went into a nursing facility shortly afer we were married.  His Dad had Parkinsons disease and severe arthritis in his back.  He had back surgery and almost didn't make it out, he was too old to endure such a major procedure (he went to be with the Lord in 2006).  His Mom has Alzheimer's disease and hasn't recognized her son for several years now.  I'm ashamed to admit, I see it in other families when they visit too, an attitude of just stopping by, then off to bigger and better things.

I have been doing some souls searching.  In my BSF group (bible study fellowship), I was challenged to dedicate to the Lord everything I do-including Christmas.  If I turn over my Christmas plans and entirely surrender it to Him, imagine with me what that day would look like.  I picture not a perfunctory visit, but a planned, intentional visit to the retirement home regardless of the sad conditions of once proper and distinguished people, most of them retired missionaries.  We can sing Christmas carols (well, I might do exactly the opposite of ministering if I sing), read the bible, have our kids color pcitures and pass them out, bring baked goods to the workers.  The Lord is there,in the lonely, depressing places we don't like to see. 

Merry Christmas!  I would like to know what meals your family likes to eat for Christmas, let me know in the comments.

 

Friends

I was sloshing my hands in dirty, murky sink water.  Washing dishes, drying dishes, serving food, replenishing drinks.  Squeezing through a  packed out patio trying to serve appetizers, now that was awkward.  I was honored to help cater a Christmas party for my mentor Mom from MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers, a popular ministry for Mom's with preschool age kids).  Her husband invites coworkers over for a delicious meal, and before desert is served he shares from his heart why for him, Jesus is the real reason for the season and the best gift of all.  It was short and sweet and full of love.  I don't know what ministered to me more, the party, or that their friends (husband and wife in their life group from their church) of 20 years were there serving along side them.  They call on each other whenever they throw parties and help each other out.  It was a testimony of friendship, a testimony of making life about more than the usual grind and opening up your home to share the love of Jesus.  I learned as I washed dishes next to their dear friend that one of their life group members committed suicide by hanging himself in his home.  He suffered terribly from depression.  The gracious host of the party was the one who found him, and in shock and horror cut him down.  Life gets hard he said, you need those friends you can call on.  I know, and thankfully, I do.

I went to my high school friend M's celebration of life service, it was a true testimony to the amazing woman she was on earth.  She asked to be videotaped while in her ICU room, struggling for every breath.  Her body was dying, but she was smiling and adamant that the people viewing the recording go to heaven and the way is by Jesus,and no other (see John 14:6).  There is an alternative which is hell, she warned, and she didn't want anyone headed there.  She was excited to see Jesus face to face.  She couldn't be a more faithful servant.  She most certainly fought the good fight and is receiving her reward (2 Titus 4:7). Her husband, with strong resolve, insisted no one feel sorry for him.  He knew the risk when he married her only 1 year and 10 months ago.  He felt humbled and honored that Jesus would have M in mind for him as part of His will for his life because she was so worth it. The Lord's will may not be what we had in mind or would have wanted, but M's husband is an example, to trust and accept regardless (Luke 22:42).  You might suffer, experience unbelievable heartache.  Yet he is God still, He knows best and he has a plan and a purpose for our lives. 

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be”  C.S. Lewis

Next time you dine at BJ's, order a pizzookie, the entire cost goes to the Cystic Fybrosis foundation.  Think of M when you do.