I seized an opportunity to talk to a friend about her faith that cradled, whispered to her to fight on despite the doctor's warnings, even her family's urging to allow her baby boy to be aborted for her own health's sake. God answered her pleas and cries to spare the life of her son. He did. He gave her a miracle and both her and her son are alive and well.
I wanted to meet with her and speak more in depth about her experience, but with our schedules being so busy and time being so limited, I shied away. One beautiful, crisp clear night, I saw her at a mutual friend's birthday celebration. We made small talk, more small talk (anyone who knows me understands I'm usually painfully awkward at small talk) neither of us said we had to leave, I figured this is an opportunity and I'm going to go for it. So I asked the question beating in my heart as I am wrestling with prayers of hope. "When you were in the hospital...why and how did you have faith? Did God give you that faith, or are you stubborn by nature?" Her answer was both. When she was told she would have to hold her premature son in her arms until he passed, she was adamant that God was bigger than that and she couldn't bear to go through losing him.
I began to go into my usual wrestling dialogue, complicated thoughts about hope and what does that mean. What will that look like? When? As I was talking, the Cold Play song Yellow started playing in the background. Hearing the soothing melody, it is heaven's words, cajoled me for that moment to stop wrestling and be still. I cried and said I want people to stand with me in faith but I constantly fear others will judge and accuse me of denial, which is not true. She declared with passion, she will stand with me in faith. I believe her.
I wrestle still. Another friend held her sweet 4 year old boy as his body shut down and he made his last breath one year ago yesterday. Many of us released a green balloon in his honor (green was his favorite color) at 2:32, the time of his death. God heals some on this earth yet not others. He gives and He takes away. I am grappling for answers that I will never understand behind heaven's veil. I can only let go, like we let go of the balloon with free bittersweet abandon over such a painful loss. And trust with childlike faith even when it goes against every adults controlling instinct. To Infinity and Beyond, sweet baby boy.
"Do we truly know the power of our supernatural weapon of prayer? Do we dare use it with the authority of a faith that not only asks but also commands?" AB Simpson from Streams in the Dessert
"In your prayers, above everything else, beware of limiting God, not only through unbelief but also by thinking you know exactly what He can do. Learn to expect the unexpected, beyond all that you ask or think." Andrew Murray from Streams in the Dessert
The loss of a little one is so hard to accept. You're right,we let go and trust God's perfect plan. Awesome post Colleen.
Posted by: Debby Altne | December 04, 2011 at 05:40 PM