Alligator Juice

Love...isn't perfect

Hope is yellow.  Now let us examine her friend faith, yet not without the greatest which is love (1 Corinthians 13:13).  Love unites, engages all the weapons of spiritual warfare into unified action.  It is the conquering force,from which springs forth newness of life, life more abundant...everlasting.  Grave clothes, removed.  Peeled, thrown off.  

My heart was broken so it can beat again.  Beating, expressing versus shut down, because I'm too afraid to try.  Grace over shame, forgiveness...love unconditional.  His Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).  It is spreading, permeating, it is Finished, audacious Faith...it is Green. 

When love is most awkward and feels so out of place, so strange, so foreign, so...HARD, love anyway. Love isn't in me-when I need, demand, the perfect.  Won't try, unless it is perfect.  Feel shame, unless it is perfect, everything, perfect.  But life is messy, my butterfly wings are often clumsy, and my attempts at love, can be shy, and timid.  I choose love still.  I choose the love that isn't perfect because His is.

My reward, will come by Faith as it's carrier.  Oh, to see his smile again.  Lucid, pure, radiant, innocent smile.  Restoration, of all things broken and disconnected in his beautiful brain that is damaged.  Healing, slow, steady, Miraculous even.  By the Green Faith that beckons heaven.

"But let us who live in the light be clearheaded, protected by the armor of faith and love, and wearing as our helmet the confidence of our salvation." 1Thessalonians 5:8

butterFLY WaRrIoRs

 

Struggle from the grips of a chrysalis, it is laborious.  I beg for deliverance, for the sticky hands to loose their grip on me.  Only way out is to struggle, narrow opening, tiny white glimpse of daybreak.  In between rests I squirm and wrestle through.  Shadows are invading, shadows are stealing, apparently defeating...I strive for daylight and make it through, but the shadows have made it too.

The shadows cover my eyes and I cannot see daylight anymore.  I go back inside the chrysalis, the very house I clamored to escape from, seeking comfort and relief.  Yet I still long for victory, out in the open where I am free.

Entering daylight once more, shadows clinging still.  I bow my head and spread my wings and let the healing work of the Sun's rays begin to refine.

It is burning, I sob and want to run and hide but the shadows chase wherever I turn, except in the Sun, where love and fire collide.

The fire's work is finished, I rest and soak and bathe.  My wings are strong and swiftly, silently, I flutter by.  No need to labor any longer, the breeze gently guides and provides the fuel for my flight.

Only His fire can burn something so fragile, that is me, and preserve & strengthen at the same time.  Flying and resting, resting and flying, the shadows I am able to resist, conquer and evade.  I am a warrior butterfly.

KINGdom of yEllOw roSes

 

"Lead singer Chris Martin has said that the lyrics are about being devoted to someone, wanting to do anything for them - writing a song for them, swimming across the sea for them and so on. He said that it's not necessarily a romantic devotion, but someone that you look up to and would do anything for, a brotherly love. (thanks, Adam - Sussex, England)"

I stated a while back I knew there was a parallel between Tage's progress towards wholeness and healing and mine. That it is a peeling back of an onion, translucent piece by piece.  Or the dragon skin pictured in C.S.Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, each scaly layer peeling back to reveal the real person inside. 

Although I knew this, I now believe it with my full heart.  Hardened, and hiding, my heart grows cold.  I want to run from it, not look at it.  It, the pain.  But I am wearing it daily. 

My belief came from being enlightened by yellow.  Tage, means day in Danish.  Day, light, sunshine...yellow.  Day, light, sunshine, yellow...life over death, light over darkness, beauty...yellow roses. That's where His Kingdom lies, in the Yellow Places. 

The yellow places are spaces, a renovation.  From pit dwelling mongers who eat mud and hang pretty pictures on the walls of their caves and laugh sounds perceived of happiness but rather are echoes of hearts deceived. Cackling empty.  Bellies bloated, filled with alcohol.  Purpose and meaning drowning.  Depression, invading.  It IS empty.

Hearts deceived from minds filled with lies, spoken by memories of past unholy unions-believed and accepted and therefore exhibited.  Behaviors-of apathy over Love, lies over Truth, flesh over Spirit, emptiness over Fullness, death over Life.  Some call this wordly, I call it perverted.

Perversion, reproducing, choking, strangulating...the Beauty of His Yellow Places.

You see I wouldn't fight for myself.  I wouldn't rise and defeat my, our, perverted enemy.  But when he came after my son...strangulating, choking, and stealing that which I love, I changed my mind. Which changed my heart.  Which illuminated my eyes.  And called forth from my lips praises that are due Him, praises that don't cast out demons but rather causes them to tremble and flee.  Praises, that move mountains and beckon you and me to Rest...and Believe.

From the pit, I am evicted.  For this path, I am convicted to remain.  Steady and strong, persevering, enduring the pleasures and the pains.  But to the death that choked life's cry from my son I say where is your sting?  It is swallowed up in VICTORY, already given to me.

It is His promise, and it IS yellow.

 

 

 

auDaCiOus faiTH

“…yet in the midst of all this darkness I see some people who will not be bound.  I see some people who will not give up.  Even when they know all hope is lost.  Some people who realize that being lost is so close to being found…you, (Colleen), you are the reason I still have faith.”  Angel Michael from the movie Legion

 

I took my kids to vacation bible school (this past summer) at the preschool my daughter attended.  I signed my son up when he became of age until the mass confusion set in.  Our train derailed and I was rudely led down the track of IEP's and special education which also meant bureaucracy.  Cold, hard, unfeeling and unmoved bureaucracy.  Needless to say he never attended the preschool.  Sitting with my son during VBS in the worship room because he was overwhelmed and tantruming while other parents stared, I was my usual stoic self, strong but hurting.  A song began to play, a children's worship song about faith.  Pressing on despite the storm, we're not to walk according to our circumstances but by our faith.  I can't help but feel that children's song was being sung for me. (I searched and searched for that song since then but haven't found it, I settled for Jeremy Camp).

Just a few weeks prior to VBS, Tage had a terrible reaction to a medication and although it helped him and we saw some promising changes, he began to have side effects that terrified me.  My boy in all his sweet, gregarious personality, and completely normal as a baby, started disappearing, and I couldn't see him anymore other than the occasional glimpses here and there.  But now after the reaction to the meds-he was completely gone.  Before this incident the above quoted scene played from the movie Legion.  The Lord knew I needed it.  And just like my Moby Dick post, I saw this specific scene many other times.  My husband even commented about my timing with the TV. 

I am like my friend who couldn't bear the thought of her premature son dieing in her arms, I can't bear the thought of Tage never returning to me, even though he had to go away a while, I know it is so God can mightily use him somehow as an adult.  He will help other kids and their families, I know it.  So for now, I'll press on in faith, trusting, and hoping.  Below is a copy of my facebook post.

Colleen Gutierrez Johnston

Nov. 28 I'm thankful for my Tagey boy, my love, my heart, my light. I will continue to rise up and shout my battle cry of praise, thanksgiving, & intercession for you my sweet boy. Do you hear it? It's a silent scream of VICTORY that has made a warrior out of me.

Green Balloon

I seized an opportunity to talk to a friend about her faith that cradled, whispered to her to fight on despite the doctor's warnings, even her family's urging to allow her baby boy to be aborted for her own health's sake.  God answered her pleas and cries to spare the life of her son.  He did.  He gave her a miracle and both her and her son are alive and well.

I wanted to meet with her and speak more in depth about her experience, but with our schedules being so busy and time being so limited, I shied away.  One beautiful, crisp clear night, I saw her at a mutual friend's birthday celebration.  We made small talk, more small talk (anyone who knows me understands I'm usually painfully awkward at small talk) neither of us said we had to leave, I figured this is an opportunity and I'm going to go for it.  So I asked the question beating in my heart as I am wrestling with prayers of hope.  "When you were in the hospital...why and how did you have faith?  Did God give you that faith, or are you stubborn by nature?"  Her answer was both.  When she was told she would have to hold her premature son in her arms until he passed, she was adamant that God was bigger than that and she couldn't bear to go through losing him. 

I began to go into my usual wrestling dialogue, complicated thoughts about hope and what does that mean.  What will that look like?  When?  As I was talking, the Cold Play song Yellow started playing in the background.  Hearing the soothing melody, it is heaven's words, cajoled me for that moment to stop wrestling and be still.  I cried and said I want people to stand with me in faith but I constantly fear others will judge and accuse me of denial, which is not true.  She declared with passion, she will stand with me in faith.  I believe her.

I wrestle still.  Another friend held her sweet 4 year old boy as his body shut down and he made his last breath one year ago yesterday.  Many of us released a green balloon in his honor (green was his favorite color) at 2:32, the time of his death.  God heals some on this earth yet not others.  He gives and He takes away.  I am grappling for answers that I will never understand behind heaven's veil.  I can only let go, like we let go of the balloon with free bittersweet abandon over such a painful loss.   And trust with childlike faith even when it goes against every adults controlling instinct.  To Infinity and Beyond, sweet baby boy. 

"Do we truly know the power of our supernatural weapon of prayer?  Do we dare use it with the authority of a faith that not only asks but also commands?" AB Simpson from Streams in the Dessert

"In your prayers, above everything else, beware of limiting God, not only through unbelief but also by thinking you know exactly what He can do.  Learn to expect the unexpected, beyond all that you ask or think."  Andrew Murray from Streams in the Dessert

Lessons from Moby Dick

I thought I was safe, watching the destruction in the distance.  In the ship, with my mentor, my boss, my friend.  I saw people in danger, people suffering, people dieing, being tossed around by the great white fish.  Although I hurt for them, I didn't want to be them, I wanted to keep a safe distance and a safe distance I did keep. 

Calamity crept up.  It swam by my side and hissed and threatened.  I was afraid, and wrongly comforted by the feel of wood planks under my feet in our sturdy ship where we were dry and unmolested by the terrible monster. Until the whale, thirsty for more revenge, turned his attention to us.

Our ship was overtaken, devastation overwhelmed and destroyed it.  We were sinking fast.  I fought against the crushing water, tried to break away and swim to safety by clasping onto something buoyant, promising shelter and rescue.  But I was stuck.  Ropes twisted and clenched it's fist and would not relent its grasp on my leg.  I looked out and saw my mentor, my friend, and he saw me with a look of terror in my eyes.  A barrel surfaced behind him and invited him to take hold and save himself.  But my friend dismissed its invitation, and instead clamored his way up to where I was imprisoned, and undeniably doomed.  He never averted his face from mine.  He spoke sweetly and passionately of how brave I am.  He promised to go down with me, to my watery grave.  And go with me he did, soothing me with his words, with his presence, as we slowly made our descend to eternity.

I was contemplating what it meant when God promises he will never leave or forsake us.  I am still in this messy trial, He isn't sparing me from pain.  To be honest, knowing He is with me wasn't providing the comfort I am longing for because I want the victory.  So what does God's presence in my trial really mean and what does it look like? 

That's when I saw the end of the Moby Dick mini series (with William Hurt and Ethan Hawke) which showed the above described scene (with my elaborations).  As I watched this moving interaction between StarLocke and the cabin boy, I sensed God whisper, that's what my presence looks like.  And I kid you not, as I sat in my room, pondering what to write in this blog entry a few days later, still soaking in this profound truth about His presence during trials, I happenned to turn on the TV and the same very scene was showing.  Wow, what a confirmation.

Now, to be clear.  I don't plan on drowning anytime soon.  This scene is an illustration, not a prophecy!  An equal truth is that I am being trained in my trial to learn what it is to have audacious faith.  More word on that (and hey, maybe another TV show to illustrate, that's always fun) what audacious faith means and what it looks like.

 

 

Dead Ends

The roller coaster stopped and I had no choice but to get out, the ride ended. All of out efforts, old ones and new ones, dead ended. I exited the roller coaster with hands raised in surrender. What I thought was soon to be deliverance, to be celebrated at Tage's 6th birthday was not to be. But at his 6th party, maybe an even more important event took place, I gave my battle cry. It is one of faith.

I took my kids to their first day of school and wound up confused and frustrated, do I wait with the other parents as the flashes on the cameras go off, as their children are called up one by one to join their teacher and go to the classroom. What about me? Do I follow the same protocol if my child is in special education? I asked a couple of times before school started. Today I had to flag the principal down twice, I wasn't given right information. I walked with the other parents out of the cafeteria, but broke off and entered a different building. The walk was isolated and lonely. I don't think the school even knew what to do with the "special" kids.

Make no mistake these are not words of complaint nor defeat. God is up to something. My circumstances are still hard and dreary, because I am still in the fog of darkness, residing in a locked prison. But my prison is one of hope, I know this is God's doing, so His glory may be revealed on earth as it is in heaven through my family.

I AM a prisoner of hope. I don't always know what hope means. I've clearly learned our deliverance is in God's timing and in His way. All I can do is roll the confusion onto the promise in Malachi 4:2. I still see yellow cars/cabs as a sign of His Sun rising with healing in it's wings in Malachi and His light breaking through like the morning in Isaiah 58:8. Another verse divinely shown to me is in Job 33, God doesn't want me (or anyone) to be pit dwellers. His trials and tribulations, disappointments and heartaches, for me at least, are His way to refine and transform. I cannot deny it is working.

"We put our hope in the Lord. He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. Let Your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in You alone." Psalm 33:20-22

"Yes God does all these things to a person-twice, even three times-to turn them back from the pit, that the light of life may shine on them." Job 33:29-30

"Genuine faith also looks up and sails, by using God's great Son. It never travels by seeing the shoreline. earthly lighthouses, or paths along the way. And the steps of faith often lead to total uncertainty or even darkness and disaster, but the Lord will open the way and often makes the darkest of midnight hours as bright as the dawning of the day." from Fays of Heaven upon Earth taken from Streams in the Dessert

Yellow Cabs

It's been a while since I've written, the roller coaster ride of this journey is full of ups and downs.  Tage refused to ingest the Agape supplement for several weeks.  I grew frantic, putting some in his food, he started refusing his food.  I thought once the Agape arrived it would be smooth sailing towards recovery.  It has been anything but, and I've been weary. 

My BSF (bible study fellowship) leader prayed the Holy Spirit would impress upon Tage the importance of ingesting the Agape (I can't blame him for refusing it, it tastes awful), that he'd be encouraged to take it knowing it would help him.  Almost over night there was a miraculous turn around and Tage now takes it with a smile.  Every time, he smiles when he swallows it.  A true miracle.

But I haven't seen progress.  One day in particular, I was serving at Kid's Church, and the weight of the world was obviously on my shoulders.  It is hard for me to to make friendly small talk when I get in that place.  A woman I don't know well, but like, sensed my discouragement and said it takes time for it to work.  That helped lift my spirits a bit.  There was no teaching leader available that day so the kids all sat down for a Veggie Tale movie.  I know the timing was perfect.  In one of my earlier posts I wrote about a battle cry of praise coming forth from my mouth to bring the walls of Jericho down.  The "walls" of Tage's injured brain, the misalignment of the neurological pathways leave us helpless in our circumstance, but bold with our God. The Veggie Tale movie was about Jericho, seeing the vegetables march around 7 times then scream, it was humurous, but also profound knowing God was reaching me through that cartoon.

Recently, the Lord sent us to a Child Psychiatrist referred by the specialist who is providing a "cast."  A broken arm gets a cast so the bones can heal, the meds prescribed  by the doctor will serve as a "cast" in a sense to allow for Tage's brain to stop short circuiting and for inner healing to take place over time.  I know we are on the right track, evidenced by the intense amount of spiritual warfare I have been under.  I thought since the appointment was yesterday I'd get some relief but I was wrong.  I awoke unusually early today and now I know Jesus wanted me on my knees before I got on with the day.  I didn't, and it hurt!

Despite the warfare, God's presence was so close during our drive to the psychiatrist.  I kept noticing yellow cars ahead of us, and when I started to get worked up (there were several things going on that day, essentially boulders being thrown in our path so to speak) my attention would be brought (this happened twice) to a yellow (yellow has become symbolic of the Sun rising with healing in its wings) cab next to us with the words Yellow cab. It brought my mind to the verse "Your light shall spring forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard." (Isaiah 58:8)  Those yellow cabs, to me, were God's presence (light) paving the way, letting me know He is with us.

The doctors office was decorated with all things yellow, ducks, flowers, butterflies...my attention was brought specifically to a row of yellow flowers with a purple butterfly (my favorite color) on top, symbolizing mine and Tage's metamorphosis.  I am not the same person, for that I am thankful. 

Tage has started a low dose of meds.  I continue to be a prisoner of hope with audacious faith. When we arrived at the doctors office and parked the car, I looked back and Tage was looking straight at me with a distinct smile I've never before seen.  That night when we put him to bed, he was holding a toy car in his hand, he unclenched his fist and I noticed it was a yellow cab!

"As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit.  Return to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." (Zechariah 9:11-12)

 

 

Agape

The Greek word agape is often translated "love" in the New Testament. How is "agape love" different from other types of love? The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice.  Agape is love which is of and from God, whose very nature is love itself. The Apostle John affirms this in 1John 4:8.  His love was demonstrated in its fullness on the cross when he died for our sins, Romans 5:8.  We cannot earn His love, Ephesians 2:8-9.  He lavishes His love on us, 1 John 3:1.  Jesus depicted what this love looks like in a practical sense in the parable of the Good Samaritan, Luke 10:25-37.  He commands us to love one another accordingly, John 13:34.I don't think He was kidding.

(www.gotquestions.org)

I've been anxious to get my hands on what I believe to be life giving supplements for Tage.  Believing God to provide the remedy to heal and restore Tage's brain to function properly.  I don't believe Tage has autism.  Not because I don't want to believe that, nor am I in denial.  I am called.  Called to faithful perseverance, to fight the good fight, and hold on to His promises for dear life.  

The time is almost here.  Like I mentioned, I was anxious.  The specialist can be very hard to get a hold of, he has a major surgery planned, and he is closing his practice.  I grew discouraged, but God taught me, through Streams in the Desert of course, not to "light my own way."  And to run from discouragement as I would a snake.  His timing is perfect.

I've mentioned many times the verse I am claiming for Tage in Malachi 4:2 "But for you who revere my name the Sun of righteousness will rise with healing in it's wings; and you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall."  I like this translation even better; "But for you who obey me, my saving power will rise on you like the sun and bring healing like the sun's rays.  You will be as free and happy as calves let out of a stall."

"Thank the Lord that because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross and because of the wounds He suffered for us, He has made His healing power available to us." Prayer from childrenofdestiny.org.

I heeded the Lord's warning, and was then invited to attend the specialist's going away party at the office.  My heart soared, I knew I would be in the very least given the information I needed about the supplements.  When I walked in, adorned in my one and only yellow dress, and a bouquet of yellow flowers smiled at me from the counter.   In the clinic area, a nice friendly woman (another Mom) greeted me.  We told each other our names, she then said and that's my son, his name is Malachi.  I almost cried, instead I burst out, I LOVE that name!   Now get this, the name of the supplement (I recently placed an order for) that took the doctor 15 years of research to develop is Agape.  Now isn't that just perfect.  I've been concerned that God be given the glory for Tage's healing, not the supplements.  It would be hard not to give God the glory with a name like Agape!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Movies speak to me.  Honestly, it's a spiritual experience.  Finding Nemo, Pinnochio (already mentioned dozens of times).  My heart has been plucked out of my chest, attention grabbed and deep truths have ministered to my soul (really!) from certain films such as Tangled, and a classic I saw several times as a child but just watched again with my daughter, Annie.   

Zipping across the lake on a sea doo was a serious thrill.  I loved it.  I was hooting and hollering, couldn't go fast enough.  It was exhilarating and freeing.  But it wasn't  mine, and I had my friend's older brother on the back, I could only let myself enjoy it for a moment and I didn't dare abuse my time allotted.

Wrestling with my neighbor friend in my parents room, I had the full freedom of being rough and tumble playful and silly with her.  She was right there with me, in the moment.  I laughed in hysterics, so did she.  I said something nonsensical, so did she.  "I'm gonna drink alligator juice"!  I froze.  And the moment was lost.  I didn't know what to say.  If I could go back in time, we'd promptly set forth making alligator juice together, non stop sillies galore. 

Tangled, not just by her hair.  Her "Mom" not her Mom but her captor.  How could she know?  She was a brilliant manipulator, tangled her in her lies.  Until the symbol of the sun finally reminded her she is a princess, not meant for captivity but for freedom and love. Let the lies you've believed die to dust as did the wicked woman from Rapunzel. 

Annie could have believed she was only an orphan and only worth an "orphan" life when she visited Mr. Warbucks' mansion.  Yet if she was passive and timid, only clinging to the servant's broomstick, she wouldn't have relished the warm bath, new frilly girly clothes, decadent food, and mostly the pure delight and loving affection of her adoptive father. 

Bummer on earth we're always going to have to have the heavenly with the fleshly.  But I want to live in such a state of knowing the sun will come out...even though "yesterday was plain awful" being adopted into God's kingdom He provides the sun and His Son, so "I don't need sunshine now to turn my skies blue, I don't need anything but You."